Saving Your Relationship When Your Marriage Hurts

Saving Your Relationship When Your Marriage Hurts Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems Print Saving Your Relationship When Your Marriage Hurts By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20 years. Shes the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial policy Sheri Stritof Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on January 29, 2020 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.   Learn about our Medical Review Board Carly Snyder, MD on January 29, 2020 Noel Hendrickson / Getty Images More in Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems LGBTQ Violence and Abuse In This Article Table of Contents Expand The Cycle of Hurt The Secret Feelings Unintentional Hurts Intentional Hurts More of What You Should Do What Other Marriage Experts Have to Say View All Back To Top Please note: This article is not about the hurts that are caused by physical or emotional abuse in a marriage. If you are in a dysfunctional marriage that includes spousal abuse, please seek professional and legal help asap. The Cycle of Hurt A cycle that many married couples fall into when a hurt occurs in their marriage is to clam up about the issue, withdraw from one another, dwell too much on the hurt, hold onto a grudge, walk on eggshells around one another, dig in their heels on the issue, allow bitterness to build, and end up in a cold war and deep disillusionment. The Secret If you are hurt by something your spouse said or didnt say or something your spouse did or didnt do, in order to save your marriage, you must talk about the situation and hurt. One study found that one of the most common reasons people cited for divorce was not being able to talk to one another.?? According to Gerald Foley in Courage to Love ... When Your Marriage Hurts, Marriages often break down because of an accumulation of hurts from indifference, insensitivity, retaliation, physical abuse, criticism, nagging, or hurting the other to get attention. When we get hurt, the pain makes us turn in on ourselves, focusing on the pain rather than on the other person. The one who is hurt and the one who did the hurting both need healing. Feelings Negative feelings often tag along when you are hurt.  These feelings can bring with them more hurtful thoughts. Without talking about what is going on inside of you, the hurt can continue to grow. Here is a list of feeling words to help you get started in learning how you feel: DenialResentmentWoundedDiscouragementAnger  MistrustBeaten DownAlarmedColdLonelinessEmptinessAttackedUsedLostCautiousTiredBrokenTornDefeatedScornedRejectedDefensive Research suggests that being able to express negative emotions is associated with better relationship outcomes. Expressions of these negative feelings are linked to eliciting more support and a sense of heightened closeness and intimacy.?? Unintentional Hurts Although unintentional hurts are really too numerous to list and what hurts one person wont hurt another, here are some common ways couples hurt one another without meaning to cause pain. Being ThoughtlessForgetfulnessInsensitivityUnkindnessHurtful TeasingSelfishnessControllingSilent TreatmentIgnoring Your SpouseApathy Intentional Hurts Intentional hurts are when you hurt your spouse, you know you are doing it, and you continue to do it. These hurts often occur in the midst of arguments, clashes with each other, and misunderstandings.   An example of creating an intentional hurt is if you decide to watch porn even though you know it is causing your spouse distress. Other ways you can intentionally damage your marriage include: Spending too much time on computer games, social media, volunteer tasks, or workLying about your finances or having an affairNot being helpful with chores around the house or not being willing to take care of your childrenAvoiding talking about sex problems, in-law matters, friendship concerns, differences, and other unresolved issues??Showing a lack of respect for your spouseSabotaging your marriageBeing irresponsibleNot keeping your promises More of What You Should Do Discover what causes the hurtTalk about itListen to each otherSee a professional marriage counselorBe forgiving and let go of the hurt Dont leave things between the two of you said. If you do nothing when hurts occur, you will eventually drift apart. Dont let emotional withdrawal become part of your marriage. What Other Marriage Experts Have to Say Talk to find answers rather than to blame or hurt your spouse ... The reason to discuss problems is to find better ways to make the marriage work. - H. Wallace Goddard, Kathleen Rodgers, Strengthening Your Marriage When we bury our conflicts instead of facing them, when we stuff our pain instead of dealing with it, a process is set in motion. You may think you get rid of conflict by burying it, but you are burying it alive and it will continue to haunt you. Avoidance will eventually lead you toward a place you dont one to go: emotional divorce ... The marriage dream you once shared will die a slow and painful death. - Gary Rosberg, Barbara Rosberg,  Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage Allow your partner to be imperfect. One wise lady said that she decided to allow her husband ten faults. When he did something that bothered her, she said, Well, theres one of his faults. I can live with it. - H. Wallace Goddard, Kathleen Rodgers, Strengthening Your Marriage One of the keys to a successful marriage is to appreciate the strengths. Every marriage has problems. But by using your strengths wisely you can continue to make the marriage stronger. -  H. Wallace Goddard, Kathleen Rodgers,  Strengthening Your Marriage All couples face difficulties, and all couples have differences. These differences may center on money, in-laws, religion, or any other area of life ... When one or both marriage partners insist on my way or not at all, they are moving their marriage toward winter. Winter may last a month, or it may last thirty years. - Gary Chapman. The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage The 6 Best Online Marriage Counseling Programs